When the coronavirus panic swept across the United States, the first thing to vanish from store shelves wasn’t food, water, or medicine—it was toilet paper. It might sound absurd, but in many ways, it made sense. Americans have a deep love for toilet paper, and the U.S. is the world’s top consumer of it. Even Johnny Carson once sparked a toilet paper frenzy with a joke on *The Tonight Show*. But while running out of TP is inconvenient, there's a bigger issue at hand: your personal hygiene is lacking.
Wiping your bottom with a handful of paper isn't really clean. If a dog pooped on your shoes, would you just wipe it off with toilet paper and move on? I hope not. As the legendary comedian Redd Foxx once said, “You gotta wash your ass.†And during a global pandemic, when the virus can potentially spread through fecal matter, cleanliness is more important than ever. So, why rely on a few sheets of paper when you can do better?
### Spray the Stink Away
The traditional Western method of cleaning up after yourself is using toilet paper—but that’s not the only option. A bidet, which sprays water onto your backside, is a far more hygienic and efficient solution. You don’t need a full bidet setup; even a simple handheld sprayer can make a big difference. We use one on our one-year-old son, and it has completely changed our bathroom routine.
We opted for the Aquaus SprayMate system, which includes a sprayer, a rinsing bucket, and various accessories. The bucket is especially useful for cleaning diapers, muddy shoes, or even washing your face if you’re feeling unwell. The company even suggests using it when you’re vomiting—so you don’t end up in the toilet. I haven’t had to test that yet, but I trust their advice.
What I love about the Aquaus sprayer is its small head, which easily reaches tight spots, and the adjustable switch that lets me control the water pressure with one hand. Plus, the on/off valve makes it easy to manage water flow without wasting any.
### Installing a Sprayer
Installing a sprayer is straightforward and doesn’t require tools. Here’s a video showing how to install the Aquaus model. One common issue is a leak from the toilet shut-off valve. To fix this, you can tighten the packing nut behind the valve, but be sure to hold the valve steady with another wrench or pliers to avoid damaging the pipe. Here’s a helpful video on how to do it properly.
If you're unsure or uncomfortable with the process, don’t hesitate to call a plumber. Safety comes first.
### Using the Sprayer
Once installed, using the sprayer takes a bit of practice. After you finish your business, position the nozzle near your backside and slowly turn on the water. You don’t need high pressure—too much can lead to an accidental enema. Also, remember that the water will be cold. Some people choose to upgrade their plumbing for hot water, but I find the cold water refreshing once you get used to it.
Always turn off the sprayer before putting it away to avoid accidental spraying. It took me a few tries to get comfortable, but soon it became second nature. After spraying, you can wipe with a little toilet paper if needed, and always remember to wash your hands afterward.
### Other Alternatives
If you don’t have access to a sprayer, there are still effective alternatives:
- **Lota (used by Muslims)** – A small water pot used to pour water over the area.
- **Shower** – A quick rinse under the shower can work wonders.
- **Newspapers** – Though unconventional, they’ve been used for centuries in some cultures.
- **Natural leaves** – Some plants are actually suitable for cleansing.
During times of crisis, staying clean is essential—not just for your health, but for the well-being of others. So, next time you reach for that roll of toilet paper, think about switching to something more effective. Wash your ass, stay healthy, and keep calm.
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