No toilet paper? No problem! Cleaning your crack in a crisis

When the coronavirus panic swept across the United States, the first thing to vanish from store shelves wasn’t food, water, or medicine—it was toilet paper. It might sound absurd, but it made sense in a way. Americans have a deep love for toilet paper, and the U.S. is the world’s top consumer. In fact, the late comedian Johnny Carson once accidentally triggered a panic buy of toilet paper with a joke on *The Tonight Show*. Now, during a global crisis, the issue isn’t just about having enough TP—it's about how we clean ourselves. Let’s be honest: wiping your backside with a handful of paper isn’t really clean. If a dog pooped on your shoes, would you just wipe it with toilet paper and move on? I doubt it. As the legendary comedian Redd Foxx once said, “You gotta wash your ass.” And during a pandemic, when hygiene is more important than ever, it’s time to rethink our methods. Fecal transmission of the virus is still a concern, so relying on just toilet paper isn’t enough. That’s where a simple tool like a bidet sprayer can make a big difference. Not only does it improve cleanliness, but it also drastically reduces your toilet paper use—saving money and the planet in the process. We use cloth diapers for our one-year-old son, so a sprayer became essential. We invested in the Aquaus SprayMate system, which includes a sprayer, a rinsing bucket, and various accessories. You can even get the sprayer alone if you want to save space. The bucket is super handy—not just for baby duties, but also for cleaning muddy shoes or other messes. The company even recommends it for vomiting, so you don’t end up face-first in the toilet. I haven’t had to test that yet, but I’m keeping an open mind. The Aquaus sprayer has a small head that easily reaches tight spots, an adjustable switch for easy pressure control, and an on/off valve for convenience. It’s simple, effective, and makes a huge difference in daily hygiene. Installing a sprayer is straightforward and doesn’t require tools. There are plenty of tutorials online, including this one for the Aquaus model. If you run into issues, like a leaky shut-off valve, tightening the packing nut behind the valve usually fixes it—but be careful not to damage the pipe. If you’re unsure, call a plumber. Using the sprayer takes a bit of practice. Start by placing the head near the area and slowly turn on the water. Too much pressure could lead to an accidental enema, so go slow. The water will be cold at first, which might feel shocking, but after a while, you’ll get used to it. Just remember to turn off the sprayer before putting it away—trust me, you don’t want to spray your wall. After washing, a quick wipe with a little toilet paper is fine. If you missed anything, spray again. And always, always wash your hands afterward. If you don’t have a sprayer, there are other options. Many Muslims use a lota, a small water pot, to clean themselves. Others use a cup, a watering can, or even a squirt bottle. If all else fails, a quick shower works too. And yes, newspapers still exist—some supermarkets even give them out for free. For the eco-conscious, there are leaves that can do the job naturally. In short, during this time of uncertainty, staying clean is more important than ever. So, take a moment, wash your ass, and stay safe.

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